Wednesday, December 17, 2008

If good things come to those who wait, why can't I wait for good things?

It's funny to me how when you least expect things from your past to creep up and surprise you– they do. I have been wanting to make a sweater for quite some time now. I would say about six months, maybe even more. This fall during RA training I was interested in this guy. I was so happy and surprised when I realized that he had knit his own sweaters. Here he was, practically a god in my eyes. Well, a few chats about knitting later and BAM– I was in his room looking at his first attempts at knitting heaven. That same night he asked out another guy. Needless to say my sweater interests were swept done the same hole my dating ones were.

Actually, I have Jenny to thank for reviving my interest in this project. I am proud to say that my sweater is about %25 complete and I'm going strong. I haven't thought about boys in a long time either. Lo and behold, I also have Jenny to thank for reviving my interest in them. Well, kind of anyway. I was hanging with Jenny in her area of town (yes, the entire area belongs to her) and she saw a group of dance people. They nodded over to her in recognition, but one of the guys she knew lingered a little longer in our direction. A couple other times he looked over– I wasn't sure if he ways glancing at Jenny or I. Now, being that I don't consider myself a looker I secretly thought he couldn't be looking at me. But when we walked past them Jenny stayed to chat and I walked around the other side. I got a couple more glances from this guy. Now, my gaydar points me in all the wrong directions, but I was pretty sure about this guy. A confirmation from Jenny later sealed the deal. A cute guy actually made eye-contact with me. Repeatedly!

I know it must seem like a small deal, but to me it's a huge one. My self-esteem is all self-invented. The only real self-esteem I have comes from areas that don't seem as important, somehow: math, teaching, music. I know that other people would kill to do the things I do with them (I know, I never gloat) but to me I would kill to find that perfect guy (or any guy at this point, really). The point is that I've started to realize that timing is never under my control for some things. And the harder I work for those things the easier it is to miss opportunities when they do arise. I fuck up more when I'm desperate.

My mother opened a trunk full of old stuff one day 10 years ago and she pulled out a pair of knitting needles. I had some strange attraction to them, and when I asked her what they were for she told me they were for knitting. I asked her to teach me how to use them and she said they were too hard– someday she would teach me. Now before I thank Jenny again for finally teaching me how to knit last year, I have to say that I'm glad I did wait until now to learn. While we were yarn-shopping the other day a mother came in searching for some needles for her 10-year old daughter. When the clerk gave her kiddy needles she scoffed, saying that her daughter would just die if she got her anything less than real needles because her friends were all using real needles. Instantly a picture of a whiny little girl with attention issues (from her friends and her mother) came to mind, and I didn't think that her infatuation with knitting came from the right place– she would never really enjoy the art. Good things are worth waiting for, even if you're convinced that they are what you want from the young age of 10. Here I am making a sweater, doing something I never thought I would do, and enjoying every minute of it. Maybe, just maybe someday I'll find what I'm looking for with guys, too.

PS - The Star Trek book I'm reading now makes me sad. You all know how much I love to show off big words in everyday convos, but this author was using so many words I didn't know, I just got upset. Who does he think he's writing for? It's a Star Trek book, for crying out loud.

1 comment:

  1. Yay for sweaters! And knitting! And boys that raise your self-esteem!
    I think there should be more of all of the above in our lives.